i was playing pokemon blue on stream earlier at 350% speed and i got to thinking
what if the reason nobody in the pokemon world has any good teams is because its considered a dick move to have a proper team comp
like culturally everyone is like “haha pick the pokemon you want! if you’re happy with three geodudes, thats you and your life!” and then you’re supposed to just have a friendly battle with any other pokemon trainers and whatever pokemon they just happen to have
like the average trainer is probably just walking around with a growlithe because that’s their pet, or a hiker has three geodudes because the geodudes help him with hiking. and if this pet owner and geodude hiker meet, you’re supposed to have a friendly battle but nothing too serious
now imagine the 10 year old kid that has six pokeballs on their belt comes up. you’re like “haha, we’ll have a friendly battle!” and you throw out your geodude
and they throw out a fucking gyarados, and it one-shots your geodude
and then you throw out your pidgey you have because the pidgey helps you navigate mountains because you’re a hiker
and then electricity crackles around the gyarados and a thunderbolt flies off of this giant dragon and evaporates your pidgey
so you’re down to your last pokemon. you tell them you’re gonna send out your bulbasaur. the ten year old is like “oh okay in that case i’m gonna pull out my vulpix.” like not only is this kid walking around with an amped-up super dragon, but theyve also got multiple pokemon specifically for making type advantage counter-picks?
this kid’s a fucking asshole! really, kid? what are you trying to prove here? this is a friendly match between strangers for fun! why are you composing real-ass competitive teams? what a fucker!
1.) Put a fucking pillow under your ass. Raise that hole up. A butt hole isn’t a vagina, you gotta help that dick reach it.
2.) Missionary is your friend. Start on your back and then you can be adventurous and do dick cartwheels or whatever crazy karma sutra shit you wanna try.
3.) Distraction is fucking key. If you’re not ready to go full throttle dick plunge make your man be sneaky. Lick his ear, have him twist your titties. Idk wharever you’re into but FORGET about a sausage slamming into twizzler hole and let the gates open up by themselves.
4.) Dry dicks = rug burn inside your ass. wetter is better
5.) For fucks sakes take a giant shit before you get into bed. I don’t care how much you don’t think you’ll poop on his dick. You’re gonna poop on that dick. Porn is a lie.
6.) Once the dick is in, don’t feel like you gotta be fancy. Your butt hole isn’t Pink Floyd. It doesn’t need a light show. You can’t start out with all these magic tricks or your butt hole will GIVE UP. It can NOT sustain 30 minutes of pile driving while also doing kegels. RELAX YOUR FUCKING BUTT HOLE
7.) So you’re doing gr8. The dick is in. The poop is absent. Your butt hole isn’t trying to be a fucking gymnast. It’s time for the party tricks:
– Sit on the dick WITH him also sitting up straight. Don’t let that fucker lay down. This is BUSINESS. When you are sitting ontop of him, you have complete control. Squeeze your entire body and push yourself UP AND AGAINST boy whose dick is inside of you. It is important that you push yourself up AND AGAINST said boy or his dick is gonna knock that spot that makes you wanna end it all. I don’t care what Harry Potter fan fic you read, a prostate isn’t a fucking clitoris. You can’t just bang that shit head on and expect to feel like your jizzing. It’s called a PROstate because you gotta leave that shit to the professionals.
– Try doggy style while pushing back when he pushes forward. It makes him think you’re enjoying his dick ripping your beautiful ass hole into a gaping black hole. Also, squeeze like a mother fucker when pulling off the dick. Push back, squeeze forward. Got it? Great
8.) Okay so you’ve tried out some weird shit, you’re getting close to him popping his load. DON’T get fancy here. You had your chance, the time has past. It’s time to stay fucking put and squeeze that asshole until he is done. You don’t have all fucking day. You’re a busy bitch. Hurry that bitch up.
9.) Don’t let that fucker cum in your asshole unless you are prepared to shit it out. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT SEMEN DIARRHEA IS GONNA BE LIKE. IT’S LOUD AND FULL OF PAIN. Tops are demons, don’t let them sin inside you.
CONGRATS you are 1 step closer to being America’s Next Top Bottom. Go take a nice long shit you slut, you deserve it
This kid is hilarious and totally cute too.
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT ON THIS WEBSITE! GOD BLESS!
This is by far the best thing I have read… ever on this site…
Omg… I inhaled my saliva when I went to laugh. I am dying. This is the end! This was too funny! 😂
